Pain and Suffering (New Perspective)

Recently, I became angry and frustrated with God that He wouldn’t take away the deep-rooted pain I feel on a daily basis. Every day is a struggle and He seemed to be doing nothing though I begged Him to to take it away. After seven years of dealing with severe depression, I thought whatever He wanted to teach me through this had been learned. Confusion and anger festered and exploded out of me, forcing me to search elsewhere for a release from my pain. I searched high and low, in people of all sorts, but my hands came up empty.

Why do I continue to stray when I know in my head that He is in complete control? Why do I keep trying to take the wheel and steer? I am a broken person but I am making the choice not to let that hold me back. I will fight for Him and with Him. I will cry when He cries and love because He showed me how. This is all I can do because I am not in control. I am letting go of the wheel, stepping back, and watching my Father work.

Earlier tonight, I came to this realization that shook my entire view on life: I am not my own. These are words we have heard but they finally registered in my heart. This life I’ve been given, the people that I am blessed to have in it, the strength of the love I have for others, are all gifts. Nothing I have in my life has been obtained by my own means. I cannot complain about what God has not given me that He has given others because I don’t deserve anything. God has given me these tools and gifts in order to further His kingdom. I cannot let them go to waste because what I want differs from what He wants. I should want what He wants but up to this point in my life, they have not aligned.

So I am challenging myself. I am working towards becoming a son that my Father would be proud of. Not in an attempt to earn His love, but because I know that I already have His love and am blessed in so many ways.

Another realization I came to was that I cannot compare my life to the lives of others. God challenges different people in different ways in hopes that they will grow from these experiences. The fact that my every day life is a challenge and that I have dealt with more than the average person, is actually a positive thing. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, and He knows that I can handle more so He has given me more to handle so that I can reach my full potential. Stagnancy is something that I do not want in my life, so I am choosing to be thankful for this pain, for this suffering, because otherwise I would not be the man I am today. I would not have the emotional maturity that I have or understand others as well as I do. My amount of life experience gives me the tools I need to help others, so I am changing my routine and the amount of love I pour out on others in order to make full use of these tools.

Until now, I have mostly been calling the shots on who I love, but I know that this is not what God intended. I am to love everyone I come in contact with because God loves them. Not for any other reason.

In the end, I know the man that I want to be, and that is simply a follower of the One who created me. I cannot keep running from who I was made to be just because the path is more difficult. It will be worth it, and I have faith in that.

If you would like to know more about my story, you can purchase my memoir, Heart Strings and Soul Surgery at this link:

http://heartstringssoulsurgery.bigcartel.com/

If you go to Taylor University, Ball State University, or Indiana Wesleyan, email me and I can save you the shipping cost by dropping it off myself.

If you would like to talk to me in person, shoot me an email or Facebook message. I love meeting new people and hearing others’ stories.

sean_taylor@taylor.edu